Blazblue Quirks
by Miharu-Unlimited
Summary: Humorous little oneshots concerning the irrelevant habits and personality traits of every character in the Blazblue universe. Ongoing. About 3-5 quirks per chapter.
1. Hypnotize

_**A/N:** _Just a little something I came up with while I work on my other fics on other accounts. Consider it a series of small humor-related oneshots concerning all the characters in Blazblue. Every chapter will include 3-5 characters. Review if you enjoy it :) I don't own Blazblue.

* * *

**Blazblue Quirks**

**Tsubaki Yayoi** becomes the ultimate fangirl when she's drunk.

The first (and only) time Makoto and Noel realized this was mere days after their graduation from the Military Academy. Knowing that soon the three of them would be shipped off to their own divisions and separated for an undetermined amount of time, Makoto had suggested a little graduation party for just the three of them at her house in Shinatsu. Although Noel wanted to go, Tsubaki took some convincing.

Luckily, Makoto Nanaya was nothing if not persistent. Which is precisely how she managed to get an unopened bottle of wine into her studious, reserved, noble friend's hands...

...leading to a positively _hammered_ Tsubaki prancing around like an idiot with a curtain rod in one hand, a wine bottle in the other and a cereal box on her head.

"I am the white void!" she proclaimed proudly as swung the curtain rod and almost smacked a terrified Noel in the face. "I am the cold steel! I am the just sword! With blade in hand I shall-"

Fall. With blade (curtain rod) in hand, she walked straight into the wall and fell. On top of Noel. Who was now completely trapped under her undeniably passed out friend.

"M-Makoto!" Noel managed to croak out. "Get her off of me!"

Unfortunately, the poor girl's plea for help fell on deaf ears as Makoto was nowhere in sight. She tried valiantly to move the limp, redheaded weight off of her petite form, but it was no use.

Tsubaki was completely motionless on top of her and smelled like really powerful grape juice. In the midst of her suffering, Noel mused that Makoto's family definitely had a higher than normal tolerance for alcohol. Must be a beastkin thing...

_How the heck did she fall asleep so fast anyway?! She was literally pretending to be Hakumen like 30 seconds ago!_

"Aaaaand, got it!"

Noel managed to turn her head to see Makoto, camera in hand and a goofy smile adorning her features. She squeaked in embarrassment. "M-Makoto!"

Laughing, the squirrel beastkin wasted no time in hefting Tsubaki onto her shoulders and carrying her off to her room. Noel followed behind, feeling like the weight of the Black Beast had just been lifted off of her.

"I am Hakumen..." Tsubaki murmured as Makoto tucked her into her bed. "And I hate you, Makoto."

* * *

**Rachel Alucard **secretly listens to rap.

It all started one day when the vampire was in a particularly bored mood. So bored in fact, that even shooting her usual barbs at Ragna would not suffice. So, after a spot of tea of course, Rachel headed towards the 2nd Hierarchical City of Iwatsuchi – a place she usually had no reason to visit and thus knew relatively little about.

She had heard from her late father that centuries ago, Iwatsuchi was referred to as "The United States of America" and that it was a place where freedom and bravery took precedence over all else. She was fascinated by it, but had never once found a reasonable time to go. Now however, she had that chance.

This was how Rachel found herself walking along the streets of Iwatsuchi. Glancing around at its inhabitants, she couldn't really distinguish much of a difference between these people and anyone else from the other Hierarchical Cities.

But then she spotted something.

There was a glimmer in an alley she happened to look down upon. Curious, Rachel elegantly strode into the narrow darkness and examined the gleaming object up close. It was cyclical in shape and had a small hole right in the middle. She picked it up into her milky white hands and flipped it around to see what was on the other side.

What greeted her was the face of a rather heavy-set man, skin the polar opposite shade of her own, who looked to be scowling with a cigar hanging out of his mouth. The text above his face is what she assumed to be his name.

"The Notorious B.I.G..." she said aloud to herself. She paused for a moment. What a ridiculous name. Surely this...Notorious was a complete fool of a man. If his manner of dress was anything to go by, he had not been around in this world for quite a while now. As much as she hated to admit it, the man on this cyclical object could be the only remaining piece of history of a world long since past.

"I must examine its contents," Rachel concluded. "Valkenhayn!"

An old, well-dressed man appeared at once out of a portal. "Yes, Milady?"

"I have found something that could provide hints of a world we know almost nothing about. I require that you decipher its secrets."

Valkenhayn took the object in his hands and glanced at it for only a couple moments, his face completely passive. "Of course, Milady."

_Two weeks later _

Valkenhayn brought Rachel her afternoon tea as per usual, but this time she noticed he had the mysterious object from two weeks ago in his other hand.

"I take it we have discovered what exactly hides within that enigma, Valkenhayn?"

In a truly out of character moment for him, the butler looked rather nervous. This seemed to only spur on Rachel's curiosity further. "Well then, shall we? I am quite interested in what this...Notorious character wishes to tell us."

"Milady...I beg you reconsider."

Shaking her head Rachel headed back towards the mansion. "Nonsense. This instant, Valkenhayn."

What followed was possibly some of the strangest, most vulgar sounds Rachel Alucard had ever heard. She had every right to turn it off immediately and obliterate the source of the "music" at once.

And yet...she didn't. For some reason, Rachel found herself just standing there listening to what this Notorious fellow had to say. The man had her in a trance of sorts, and not just her either. Valkenhayn, Nago, Gii...all of them were victim to the man's words and the sound of the completely foreign beat.

Over time, Rachel had secretly begun to very much like this Notorious B.I.G character. Every once in a while when she was bored she would retreat to her personal quarters and listen until her heart was content. Still...the idea of listening to such things in front of people like Ragna was unfathomable to her. It simply wasn't an option.

...which is why she cursed herself when she accidentally recited some lyrics one day in front of the said criminal.

"So..." Ragna had said to an extremely embarrassed Rachel, "who's 'Big Poppa', Rachel?"

* * *

**Sena **hates when **Luna **has a crush.

Rather understandable, considering Sena was a boy and had to share a girl's body with...well a girl. Luna to be exact. Normally, he was the laid back and sensitive one. The one who doesn't like to cause any problems.

Luna is the troublemaker. She's also the emotional one...Sena didn't know if that's just how girls were or if she was hitting puberty first out of the two of them, but it seems her feelings were all over the place _all the time._ Even then however, Sena was still more or less content with his situation.

Then one day they met Carl Clover. And Sena's world crashed all around him.

Sena was the one in control of Platinum when they first met the kid and his robotic companion. As soon as he had laid eyes on him, his body became increasingly difficult to control...

It appeared that Luna had wanted in. Desperately.

Having never felt this much distress from the other dominate soul in his body, Sena was a bit apprehensive to let her out. After all, he had a pretty good idea why Luna wanted so desperately to talk to this boy, and if his suspicions were correct then he needed to get out of here _now._

But then Carl came up to them. And Luna's will finally crushed Sena's own.

"Excuse me, miss?"

Face red, mouth slightly agape and emerald eyes comically wide, Luna for once found herself unable to say anything. She managed to close her mouth, but was now just staring dumbly at what see perceived to be the cutest guy she's ever seen.

"Um..." the boy tilted his head in confusion. "Are you okay, miss?"

Luna didn't know what to do so she naturally just went back to her aggressive safety net. "S-shut up, dumbass! Of course I'm fine! Take that stupid doll of yours and leave me alone!"

Suddenly, Carl's face twisted into an expression of anger. Behind him, the robotic companion seemed to grow sharp metallic claws. "Don't talk about my sister like that."

Luna's eyes widened. Okay, so maybe that wasn't the best thing to say to this kid. Especially since he just wanted help. She needed to find a better way out of this because she _really _didn't want to fight this thing. Trying to scrounge up some kind of excuse to not get her ass kicked right now was proving difficult, and the fact that the doll was rearing back to presumably kick her ass eight ways to Sunday wasn't helping.

And perhaps it was the lack of her voice of reason (Sena), or maybe it was temporary insanity, but whatever it was it was enough to make Luna think this next idea was a good one:

In a sudden, clumsy move, the girl with three souls lunged forward and kissed Carl straight on the mouth in what can only be described as the sloppiest most awkward affair of all time. Even the doll froze up, not knowing what to do. After a few seconds, it was over and Sena came to a terrifying realization...

He was back in control of Platinum. And Luna? Nowhere to be found. The damn girl kissed and ran!

"U-um," Sena stuttered. "I...uh...bye."

Platinum ran as fast as possible to get away from Carl, unfortunately causing her to miss the way a silly smile played out on the boy's face and his fingers traced over his lips.

"Weird girl, eh sis?"

* * *

**Relius Clover **actually owns a "World's Best Dad" coffee mug.

He never brings it up either. Ever. The mug just kind of sits there at his desk while Relius busies himself with important matters to keep up his status as a villain in the story.

But it's there. Every single day. In the exact same spot. Radiating an overwhelming sense of smugness and a extremely sadistic sense of humor considering who exactly Relius is.

As he is allies with the Colonel, Hazama has obviously noticed the mug in past meetings with Relius but has said nothing. Not because he didn't want to bring it up – Hazama is hardly one to ever hold his tongue – but simply because the Captain likes the idea of Relius secretly being an even bigger piss of than himself.

One day, however, Hazama simply can't help himself anymore. He needs to know why that abominable mug is constantly there on the otherwise completely serious man's desk.

"Say, Relly..."

The Colonel stiffens at the absurd nickname but looks up regardless. "Hm?"

"What's with that mug?"

Relius glances towards the container in question before moving his gaze back up to the Captain. "I would hope I don't have to explain to you the basics of consuming beverages, Hazama."

Hazama lets out a completely humorless laugh. "You know what I mean, smartass. 'Worlds Best Dad'? Really? You?"

The masked man shrugs, returning to perusing over some important documents. "Well I am a father, you know."

"You turned your daughter into an emotionless piece of scrap metal and turned your son into the most bloodthirsty eleven year-old I've ever seen."

"Carl would be fourteen this year if memory serves."

Hazama groans in annoyance. "Seriously man, what's the deal with that thing? While I love the idea of it considering the fact that you're anything but father of the year, I just...don't get it."

For a moment, all is silent. Relius appears to not even be paying attention to Hazama anymore. With a curse, the Captain turns to leave his office when all of a sudden...

"A gift from Kokonoe from when we worked together. I am told she sent one to Jubei as well."

Hazama can't help but grin at this. _Nice one, furball._

* * *

_**A/N:**_I don't own rap legend Biggie Smalls either. R.I.P


	2. Trap

_**A/N: **_A shorter one this time. Thanks for the reviews so far! Keep at it and I'll keep spewing these out. They're fun to write. Also, let me know if you want to see a certain character.

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**Kokonoe **is seriously considering conducting surgery on a certain blond heroine's brain...

...because she's convinced that a chemical imbalance is the only suitable reason to why Noel could possibly think the current situation was acceptable.

At the moment, the scientist was practically shaking with anger in her small bed as the Eye of the Azure had her slim arms tightly wrapped around her waist in a death grip. She seemed perfectly content, not realizing at all how Kokonoe had noticeably stiffened since the girl had latched onto her about an hour ago.

Unless she obliterated her with some truly devastating magic, there was no way the catgirl was escaping the utterly oblivious Noel's clutches. Her damn hold was _that_ strong.

She hadn't the slightest clue why this was happening. Well that wasn't true...she knew why they were in the same bed. It was because for all of his prestige, Kagura Mutsuki apparently still didn't have enough mula to provide enough beds to everyone currently staying at his manor. Which, Kokonoe now realized, was way bigger of a problem then she initially thought.

Especially if you're paired with Cuddly McSnuggles over here.

Humming in satisfaction, Noel shifted slightly so her head lay on Kokonoe's shoulder. Since the scientist was rather short, the sleeping girl managed to get her nose directly adjacent to Kokonoe's ear. This meant that on top of her vice grip, Kokonoe now had to also endure the all too clear sound of Noel's _snoring._

...which, as it turns out, was a lot worse than you'd expect by looking at her petite form.

It was truly a horrid sound, like something she'd expect from Tager. Not someone who's literally a third of his size.

Suddenly an idea popped into the genius's head. Smirking, Kokonoe focused all of her willpower to her rear and managed to bring her tails up to Noel's face. Just a little more focus and...

_Wack!_

Both of the furry appendages smacked the blonde right square in the money-maker. The girl's arms loosened for all of two seconds – way too fast for the professor to do anything before they tightened up again, even more constricting then before. Looking back to scowl at her torturer, Kokonoe noticed that Noel's stupid slumbering face now somehow had an even happier grin plastered on it.

"Mm...I'm never letting you go Mr. Panda..." Noel murmured quietly.

Kokonoe just rolled her eyes and sighed in defeat. She didn't know whether to be insulted or disturbed by Noel's comment, so she settled on being both. Regardless, her efforts to free herself were officially pointless...she would just have to accept that she wasn't getting any sleep tonight. The only thing she could look forward to now was a nice, extra large cup of coffee to get her through tomorrow.

And soon enough, the next morning arrived. Unsurprisingly, for the whole day Kokonoe had been especially irritable, even for her, which had even caused the ever faithful and stoic Iron Tager to become nervous around her. Despite this, the scientist had noticed that her fellow beastkin Makoto Nanaya wasn't scared of her in the slightest and had instead spent most of the day stealing giggles at Kokonoe's expense.

It was only later when Makoto suggested that _she_ sleep with Noel that night instead of her that Kokonoe realized she hadn't been the first person to be mistaken for Mr. Panda.

It almost made her feel better about the whole thing. Almost.

* * *

**Ragna the Bloodedge **took public transit the other day.

And if you thought he'd be immune to any amount of bizarreness from traveling with Taokaka, you'd be wrong. Weird goddamn people use the bus it seems.

Sure, it was a risky option, but Ragna literally goes _everywhere_ on his feet. After a while, it's just so tiring keeping it up. The Hierarchical Cities aren't exactly close to each other, considering the fact that they can only be built by certain elevations where the seithr doesn't poison your sorry ass.

So, with the pitiful amount of change he somehow still had after buying lunch for like three people he didn't even like, the most wanted criminal in the entire world hopped on the 200 express to Ibukido.

...and is really, _really _regretting that decision.

Ragna is currently hiding in the very back corner of the bus, Blood Scythe sitting comfortably on the seat next to him. All around him are some of the weirdest people he's ever had the displeasure of seeing.

There's a girl who's hands literally have not stopped shaking violently for at least five minutes. She's also breathing heavily and moans in pain sometimes. It's pretty obvious that she's _at least_ a crackhead, but it's still incredibly uncomfortable to watch. Unless of course you're apparently anyone else on this bus, since no one but him seems to be paying her any attention.

It's like someone on the verge of a complete mental breakdown is just a normal occurrence on this godforsaken bus.

There's also two of the ugliest people Ragna's ever seen making out _so hard _right beside his sword. He has every right to clock them both for the disturbing display of PDA, but quite frankly Ragna is pretty sure they both have contracted something he doesn't want to risk getting.

And let's not forget about the schizophrenic guy in front of the criminal who is having a rather in-depth conversation about Mexican cuisine with _himself. _Seriously, if the criminal has to hear about why the right amount of salsa and sour cream literally makes or breaks the taco one more time, he might lose control of his Grimoire.

Sidenote: Everyone here also smells like cat piss. Ragna would know, he trained with Jubei after all.

Ragna honestly thinks getting anyone from the NOL to go on this bus even once would be enough to reduce his bounty by at least a couple _billion_. Sure he's killed a lot of people, but at least he's mentally stable. How could upholders of the law let these deranged half-wits roam free?

A tap on his shoulder jerks Ragna from his thoughts. His hand shoots up to the handle of Blood Scythe as he glares at the source. It's the crackhead. Her hands are still shaking beyond control, obviously.

"H-hey man," she stutters. "You, uh, h-holding?"

Ragna directs the most murderous glare he can muster up straight at this mess of a human being's scabby face. "No, I don't have any meth for your pathetic ass. Fuck off."

The girl just stares at him for a moment before turning around slowly and returning to her seat. Her moans have increased in volume and frequency, again to the complete obliviousness of all the other freaks here. Ragna can't take it anymore, so he hits the stop button despite being on here for all of ten minutes.

As he gets off, he suddenly feels an overwhelming sense of freedom, while also wondering if there's a taco place nearby...

* * *

**Noel Vermillion **bought a bust enhancer online.

To be honest, it's probably one of the more understandable things for a girl to buy online. In fact, Noel's pretty sure you can _only _buy something like that online. If a shop does exist for it though, she'd be way too terrified to go anyway.

The package came in the mail today and Noel would be lying if she said she wasn't excited. The miracle product was called _Buxom Beverly's Bust Boomer 3000_, and if the name was anything to go by, this fine commodity was legit.

The ad was gold too. Even though it was an online advertisement, it had a little commercial attached to it that showed a down and out girl (like Noel herself) becoming a woman that could even put Miss Litchi to shame. This broad literally went from zero to hero! From geek to sheek! Literally all of the hottest guys Noel had ever seen wanted a piece of this bust-enhanced beauty, and she knew that with Beverly's help that could be her too.

And so, it was time to begin.

Swiftly unwrapping the package, Noel burrowed through tons of bubble wrap (she'd play with it later) to claim her prize. Her eyes lit up when she felt cool, sleek metal against her fingertips.

The machine was rather simple. It was basically a big metal rectangle with a power chord on one end, and two big suction cups on the other. For such an important contraption, at least in Noel's eyes, the product only had like three buttons. One of which was the power switch. There was also no instruction manual, but it seemed easy enough.

Plug it in, cup the boobs, press the power switch, get the guys.

It was the most simple, yet satisfying four-step plan that had ever entered Noel's head. So without further ado, the incredibly misguided girl went about becoming a woman...

...except there was one problem. The cups were too big. The suction cups that were made specifically to _attach_ to a small pair of breasts were _still_ too big for her!

"No no no no no!" a topless Noel exclaimed in a panic. "This can't be right!"

Frantic, the poor girl kept trying to keep the oversized contraptions on her chest while she attempted to start the power, but every time she lifted her hand even a little they would immediately fall off.

Thank god she was alone, because it was a truly pathetic display.

Tears welled up in the blonde girl's eyes as she slowly came to the conclusion that this wasn't happening. The one thing she wanted more than anything in the world was _still _out of her grasp.

Shaking slightly with her sobs, Noel headed solemnly towards the bubble wrap and popped it alone in her living room. Depression crushed her like an anvil, but every pop made her feel just the slightest bit better.

Eventually she fell asleep there, dreaming of incredibly murderous ways to utterly annihilate this stupid machine tomorrow, and maybe even Beverly herself.

* * *

_**A/N: **_I take the bus all the time. My description, believe it or not, was pretty accurate.


	3. Hot and Cold

_**A/N:** _Sorry about the wait guys! I've been busy, but I'm back with another installment. The reviews you've left are so kind so thank you all so much! It means a lot that you guys like it so far - this is the first fic I've written like this and I'm trying really hard to get it right. Only 3 again this time but they're a lot longer and took me a while so I hope it will suffice for now. Reviews are motivation so keep at it and enjoy!

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There is a certain time of the year when **Makoto Nanaya **becomes particularly dangerous.

It occurs just after winter has passed, when pedestrians can finally hang up their coats for good and NOL operatives are at last allowed to walk around without their cloaks (although particularly studious soldiers such as Tsubaki Yayoi will still decide to do this).

It's a time when the Ars Magus that regulates the temperatures around the Hierarchical Cities finally kicks into high gear again, making most people a whole lot warmer and happier. Unfortunately, while 99% of citizens enjoy this time of year, there is a select few that certainly do not.

In fact, there's really only one person who doesn't enjoy it – Makoto Nanaya. Why you ask?

Two words: Mating Season.

Now before you jump to conclusions, it should be noted that the girl in question is a beastkin – not a full-fledged squirrel. As such, she doesn't adhere to a "mating season"; quite frankly, she's _in the mood_ whenever she feels like it just like any other human, thank you very much.

Despite this, however, she still has _some_ squirrel DNA, and this in turn can nevertheless make this time of year extremely unpleasant for her. The same can't be said for Makoto's family since she's the oldest child and most of her younger siblings haven't even experienced the oh-so-wondrous stage of life that is puberty yet.

And her parents? Well, as you might expect, those two _reaaallly _enjoy this time of year compared to herself. She shudders when she thinks about mommy and daddy doing, well...that. Ugh.

To be blunt, Makoto is just abnormally horny right now. And no matter how hard she tries, she can't seem to calm herself down.

So you might wonder why this is such a bad thing. Really, all this build-up is really just a roundabout way of saying Makoto Nanaya hasn't been laid in a while and she needs it more than just about anything else you could think of. Even chestnut parfait.

Also, take a look at her! She's most certainly not hard on the eyes...especially in her battle uniform. So why? Why is this such a bad thing for Makoto? Once again, the answer lies in two words. These ones much scarier than the last:

Kagura. Mutsuki.

That's right. We're referring to the pervert that Makoto is forced to work with now on a daily basis. The head of the Mutsuki family is for whatever reason the _only _available, and as much as she hates to admit it, physically attractive guy that the beastkin has access to right now. Her other two viable options – Ragna and Jin, seem to have the hots for Noel and Tsubaki respectively, and despite her primal urges, there was no way in hell Makoto was betraying her friends for a one night stand.

So this left Kagura. The creepiest, most disgusting (in terms of personality) man to ever walk the face of the earth. It was quite the predicament, and it didn't help that Kagura spent almost all of his free time trying to hit on her anyway. Which was getting increasingly difficult to ignore with each passing day.

So now you're starting to see why this is a very big problem for Makoto.

Eventually, the day comes when the beastkin's raging hormones simply cannot be neglected any longer. So she takes multiple deep breaths and quietly leaves her room, heading to Kagura's suite. She's already hating herself for what she's about to do.

After barely knocking twice, the door swings open. Almost like Kagura was waiting for her...

...gross.

"Ah! Makoto baby! Couldn't sleep, eh?" Kagura winks at Makoto and she wants to puke right in front of him. "You know," he continues, "I could help you out with that if you want-"

Makoto doesn't let him finish as she pulls him down into a furious kiss and forces her tongue down his throat. She tries with all her willpower to ignore the stupid smirk he's got on his face as she pulls him towards his bed.

Kagura is late to breakfast the next morning, and no one misses how he walks with a rather obvious and painful looking limp. The perpetrator of his condition, who is now finally incredibly relieved and content, lets out a hearty laugh at the scene.

Something tells Makoto he won't be hitting on her ever again...and that kind of makes this all worth it.

* * *

**Jin Kisaragi **is unusually susceptible to brain freeze.

It is especially odd considering the weapon he wields, however this is an undoubtedly true fact. The Hero of Ikaruga can't eat or drink anything less than lukewarm, lest he be rendered completely incapacitated. He has been aware of this striking weakness for quite a while now, but has done a fairly good job at keeping it under wraps.

That is, of course, until the day Tsubaki and himself finally have the same day off. An occurrence that literally has never happened before today, and this was well into their time as NOL soldiers.

And wouldn't you know it, she wants to go get _ice cream_ of all things. Damn it all.

The truth is, even Tsubaki has no idea of Jin's hypersensitivity regarding cold food and beverages. It really does appear to be something he wants to take to the grave, but his childhood friend was _so _looking forward to this day that he just couldn't say no when she proposed it earlier.

Jin has therefore been pacing around his office for the better part of an hour, waiting for the unusually late Tsubaki to arrive. Strange...she's usually so punctual. Or maybe it just seems like she's taking forever because he's so anxious? Whatever.

Finally, a knock sounds at his door.

"Come in," Jin orders as he reapplies his air of authority. No reason to worry Tsubaki with such trivial matters right? This was going to be relaxing and fun, and nothing short of brother himself would change that for him.

Jin's resolve was now hardened, and it was time to go eat some motherfucking ice cream.

Tsubaki enters wearing a rather nice yellow summer dress and a bright smile – a stark contrast to Jin's NOL uniform and perpetual frown. His appearance doesn't detour her in the slightest however, as she quickly grabs his hand and starts heading for the door.

"Are you ready?" Tsubaki asks rather pointlessly, as Jin doubts that she would have let him get ready anyway.

She's seriously bat-shit crazy over chocolate. How that started is a quirk for another time, though.

Anyway, long story short the two find themselves in front of a small ice cream cart vendor. The short stocky man has a cheery smile on his face as he greets them.

"Hello there! How are you two on this fine-"

"Chocolate, please!" Tsubaki interrupts abruptly, evidently unable to contain herself. Jin slightly smirks at how she will still use polite mannerisms even when being rude. How redundant.

The man's smile falters, but he nods as he reaches for an empty cone. "And how many scoops would you like, miss?"

"Three, please!" The enthusiasm in Tsubaki's voice is comparable to that of a small child with A.D.D doing...well anything really.

The vendor quickly finishes the cone, looking incredibly nervous and probably sensing how insane this girl appeared to be over ice cream. He hastily places it in her hands and the redhead wastes no time in beginning to lap at the dessert, shamelessly letting out a rather suggestive moan of pleasure at the taste.

Jin just shakes his head.

The man behind the cart has now turned to him, looking noticeably relieved. "And for you, sir?"

"Huh?"

Jin snaps back to reality as he regards the vendor. Oh no...this is it. This is the moment that he has been dreading all day. His most fearsome enemy is about charge forward, and it's now up to him to protect his dignity.

For the sake of Tsubaki's respect for him, his own pride and expanding his appetite, it was time to meet the enemy head on! Losing was not an option!

Let's do this.

"THREE SCOOPS OF ORANGE SHERBERT!" Jin proclaims rather loudly. It's even more loud considering that the entire area was relatively calm beforehand. Both the vendor and Tsubaki flinch, the former's nervousness having returned tenfold. Somehow with shaking hands he manages to get the cone into Jin's own. Tsubaki just looks both confused and amused, and keeps herself busy with her own ice cream.

Apparently, chocolate is _still_ more important than the ridiculous display her friend just showed five seconds ago.

"Thank you very much, sir." Tsubaki's manners are well-placed once again as her craving has finally been satisfied. She turns from the cart but stops as she notices Jin isn't following her.

The reason for this is because the Hero of Ikaruga is currently on his knees, his cone already forgotten on the ground beside him as he clutches his head in agony.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Jin screams in excruciating pain. Instantly, Tsubaki is at his side grabbing his shoulders, her expression equal parts concerned and scared.

The vendor looks plain terrified.

The feeling is unbearable. After one simple lick it's as if thousands – no, _millions_ of tiny razor sharp icy daggers of death are piercing Jin's brain from all directions. Immediately he had lost his ability to stand, his only interest being able to get the pain to subside at all costs.

"Jin! Jin talk to me! What's happening?!" Tsubaki is becoming increasingly frantic at his lack of response as a small crowd begins to gather.

About a minute passes. Tsubaki is reaching for Jin's radio on his belt when suddenly he stands up abruptly. The redhead, the vendor and the pedestrians are dumbfounded by this display.

"Ugh..." Jin is still holding his head with one hand, the torture the ice cream befell upon him dissipating as quickly as it came.

"Jin!" Tsubaki lunges at him and embraces him tightly. "What happened?!"

For a moment, Jin is completely still. He doesn't know whether he should tell her the truth or not for fear of embarrassment, but the longer he's being hugged by his childhood friend, the more he knows that she would _never_ laugh at his expense.

...right?

So he musters up all the courage he can manage, grabbing her shoulders and pushing her away slightly so he can look straight into her worried and teary blue eyes.

"Brain freeze," is all he says with a completely straight face.

All is quiet for a couple moments. The vendor needs to sit down, probably to contemplate if this absurd day was really happening or if it was just a crazy dream, and all the people that gathered around have left out of sheer disappointment. They were probably hoping that Jin was being mentally assaulted by something way cooler than _brain freeze_.

There's only one person laughing, and she's laughing hard.

The tears in Tsubaki's eyes are now there for an entirely different reason as she bends over holding her stomach, struggling valiantly to calm herself down. Jin just stands there awkwardly, feeling as though a dagger has been stabbed through his heart.

He later finds out that even Noel has never once experienced brain freeze, and he briefly contemplates suicide.

* * *

**Hakumen **misses being able to actually take care of himself in the hygienic sense.

Since he has no physical human body anymore, the leader of the Six Heroes can no longer bathe, shower, shave or even put on deodorant since he doesn't need to do any of it.

And yes, I said shave, because believe it or not Jin Kisaragi _did _have facial hair at one point in Hakumen's time line.

Now however, Hakumen is literally just an empty shell of a man, so he can't go through his morning routine anymore. If he hadn't been stuck in the Boundary for one hundred years, it'd be way more a problem now getting out of the habit. Luckily, he was so it's not really an issue but it's still depressing nonetheless.

I mean think about it – here you have a guy that can safely be considered the peak of manliness in the conventional sense. He's abnormally large, incredibly stoic, has a no-nonsense attitude and carries around a seven-foot metallic stick everywhere he goes with ease.

The only thing missing is a glorious beard and a extremely rancid odour to complete the package.

A real man seriously prides himself on needing to heavily rely on sanitary products to keep his masculinity in check – we can't just let it run rampant or else _no one _would be able to handle us. That's why the morning cleanliness routine is so important – it's a ritual of sorts that reassures us that we're on the right track to ultimate virility.

As soon as Hakumen lost his physical body however, that all went out the window. Sure, no one would deny his manliness, but he had nothing to show for it. Even if they praised him, he still had no pride himself.

The guy just really wanted to be super hairy. Or stink worse than a skunk about to die a horrible death. Or both. It was more important than just about anything else to him at this point in his life. He would never voice it out loud but he secretly thought it was more important than defeating Terumi.

This is why one day, Hakumen decided to stop by a drug store during one of his usual days of hiding in the shadows while trailing the Dark One and Terumi. He was having an especially bad day as he was for whatever reason reminiscing on the amazing feeling on the razor slicing those tiny hairs with the utmost precision so many years ago.

If he closed his nonexistent eyes and thought really hard, he could almost recreate that feeling. Almost...

...but then he'd open them again and be reminded that he was just a walking piece of epic scrap metal now. And to be honest, it was _really _starting to get to him. Enough in fact for Hakumen to endure the praise he was sure to get as he forced himself to go into the public eye.

Somehow, the hero makes it into the drug store with no problems. He has a sneaking suspicion that people are just too afraid to say hello, which he prefers to be honest. He doesn't do well with his fans.

Approaching the counter, the hero towers over the poor clerk who looks absolutely petrified. Sighing, the seven-foot tall cyborg samurai-looking titan tries his best to not look intimidating – which of course doesn't work at all.

"Ahem, you there," Hakumen clears his throat. "I require a remedy to my repulsive stench."

The clerk looks like he just shit his pants. "I-uh-yeah-uh-I-uh-"

"Please calm yourself, young one. This is of the utmost importance."

Moving a trembling arm up the teenager behind the counter points towards the back of the store. "D-deodorant and body spray. T-there."

Hakumen stares at the kid for a moment, making sure he wasn't going to faint before nodding towards him and heading to the back of the store. When he gets there, he's astounded by the amount of variety they have nowadays in simple deodorants. And this 'body spray'? This is new to him...perhaps he will try it out.

A particular spray catches his lacking eyes. It's labeled "AXE Body Spray", but the flavour of it is what really intrigues him.

"Dark Temptation...$2.99..." Hakumen whispers to himself. He picks up the small bottle in his large metallic hand and surveys it closer. The words 'Chocolate' and 'Love' are also engraved on the bottle, and immediately Hakumen's thoughts venture to Tsubaki. She did indeed love chocolate (in fact she was completely mad over it) and he wondered if this held true for the Tsubaki in this time line as well.

"I suppose I shall try it," the hero decides. Nodding to himself, Hakumen strolls back to the counter and places the bottle of body spray onto it rather forcefully. The clerk looks to have somewhat recomposed himself, at least enough to talk almost clearly, and scans the bottle.

"I-is that everything, S-sir Hakumen sir?"

He just nods.

"$3.99 S-sir," the boy manages to stutter out. Hakumen doesn't make any movement to pay, and immediately the cashier starts fearing for his life.

All is silent for a moment until...

"I believe the amount of currency I am required to supply you is below that. Unless your tags are woven together with deceit and lies?"

At his words, the clerk's eyes drift towards the hilt of Hakumen's massive sword just over his shoulder and he holds up his hands in pure petrification. "T-totally, sir! So sorry! It's on the house, anything you want!"

Slowly, the hero shakes his head as he pulls out an extremely worn wallet from who-knows-where. "That will not be necessary. Here is your pay. I thank you for your assistance."

With that, Hakumen leaves the store. Once he's securely back in the shadows he douses himself in the spray until there's naught left in the bottle. At that very moment, a portal opens before him and a certain young-looking vampire gracefully steps out.

"Good day, Hakumen – oh..."

Rachel seems at a loss for words upon smelling the massive suit of armor in front of her. She sniffs a couple more times before a small smile graces her lips.

"You have a rather invigorating scent today, Hakumen," the vampire praises. "I am impressed. I was going to have you run an errand for me, but I should think that buffoon Ragna will suffice instead. I will leave you be."

With that, Rachel gracefully turns around and returns from whence she came. Even though he doesn't have a face Hakumen is no doubt smiling at the small altercation.

"Pride restored."

* * *

_**A/N:**_Dark Temptation...I swear by that stuff man. Remember to review! Also I am taking suggestions into consideration I just have to think of the perfect quirks for the characters you want so sorry if you didn't see one you wanted. I promise they'll be up at some point!


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